# 44 - Are You Still Being a Good Little Boy or Girl?

Episode 44

[00:00:00] : Hello, Once again, my good listener. This is Rick Lewis with the follow through Formula podcast, and I am currently speaking from inside of Episode 44 the 44th consecutive day in a row. That's what that means. Consecutive days in a row, one after the other, without missing a day, doing a day, and then the next day, doing it again, the same thing. It's like Groundhog Day, except every day we're living purpose instead of living with same previous day. And when we're stuck in a rut of habits that aren't leading us toward purpose, the kind of repetitive Groundhog Day that we have is not a pleasant one. But imagine having Ah, Groundhog Day, where each day is has a variety off delightful surprise activity associated with it, all of which relates to a purpose. And as I have been saying in some past episodes, when we're living on purpose, it doesn't mean the purpose has to say has to stay the same each and every single day. The purpose concious ift. But when we are actually taking action on what matters most than were progressively led to, the discovery of greater and greater purpose is not greater in a sense of being able to qualitatively measure one thing over another. But when we allow ourselves to take action, we discover what actions feel most resonant to our being, and most serve and contribute in a way that feels in alignment with who we are. So it's a process off identifying some sliver or fragment of purpose, something that has the whiff of purpose for us and then taking some action on that and in the process of taking action, further refining what's most aligned with our being, and that is very likely to shift and change over time. But it's the a combination of asking the question of one's self. What is my purpose? Introspect ing about that and taking action So those two have to go together, the looking within and taking some action externally. And those two together inform us about what the right direction is for our lives and that ongoing activity, looking in and moving out, looking in and moving out, both of which require a kind of courage, a different kind of courage. I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who is also a clinical psychologist. You've heard from my friend John, who's a marriage and family therapist and one of my other very good friends, is also a clinical psychologist. His name is Jeff Car, and actually, my plan is to interview him next Thursday. He doesn't know that yet. I hope he's not listening. But anyway, I was talking to my friend Jeff, this clinical psychologist, yesterday and he was telling me about Eugene Gen. Lynn and I need to look up Maura about Eugene gentle in and his work. But he has championed something called focusing work, which is just another way of talking about how to refer to what's actually occurring within us and get feedback and guidance from an interior source. So Eugene, gentle in, does this focusing work, and what Jeff shared with me is that Eugene has said it on. Lee takes 30 seconds of really checking in, focusing in internally to get good direction and good information about your own purpose and direction. And then, apparently, what he said is that it's very surprising how many people aren't able to give that process 30 seconds. And Jeff sort of laughed because he's he's in the business of therapy. That's what he does is he sees people and helps thumb all day long every day. And he was corroborating how often and how difficult it is for the ordinary person to be willing to stop and simply be receptive to what they themselves have a sense of internally just by looking inside and being willing toe. Listen to what the body is saying, what their psyche is communicating about, what's needed and what direction they should go. So it requires courage both to look inside and then to step forward externally outside in a way that's new in a way that honors what we've been informed of when we listen to ourselves. Internally, the follow through formula is about putting these two pieces together. These two quite simple pieces look inside, step outside, step outside of the old comfort zone. Step outside of our old identity and identity. Very large portion of what we call our identity is the list of limits that we identify with what I can't do. What I won't do what I shouldn't do, what I don't have permission to do. Just think about those four. What I can't do, what I won't do what I shouldn't do what I don't have permission to do. In fact, if you wanted to do a really interesting exercise, you can sit down right now, pull out a piece of paper if you just write down the first thing that comes to mind when you ask when you start a sentence and say What I can't do is what I won't do is what I shouldn't do is what I don't have permission to do is you will find you could fill up many sheets of paper if you really let yourself do that exercise without editing. I've done this exercise several times for myself, and it's always very startling to see how many things are in their unspoken unconsciously. These injunctions that stop rules that I'm carrying and to write them out is very instructive. So identity, What we identify with in large measure are these limits and the situation we find ourselves in is that we're ignoring our inner life and what our inner life is attempting thio to communicate to us about what we are here to contribute what we're here to create, how how we are here to serve our being has a blueprint for that it feels our being already feels compelled to participate in particulary ways, show up in certain ways, give in certain ways, receive in certain ways, and that's what's going on inside and then the pattern of our conditioning is in good measure about how to avoid taking action on those things because we're afraid that if we take action on those will lose love, goodwill, acknowledgement, approval and that's not anybody's fault. It's just an artifact of being a kid and growing up in a culture that I mean. I guess if you look at Western culture, it's still a puritanical e based society and how we would raise a child to raise a child without unconsciously communicating these injunctions in relationship to their being. Don't do that. Don't be so loud. Stop being so full of energy. So much of what we say to kids. That's all we're saying. Stop having so much energy. It's wearing me out. I can't keep up with it. There's too many questions. It's too loud. It's your expectations were too large. That's just the way humans are. That's how we come in. We think in terms that our evolutionary and evolutionary goals are unlimited. They're very large. There's no sense of limits on what could occur. What could happen. There's there's great amount of vitality in, ah, human being that's so funny that a human that is just being is armed for great amount of doing doing isn't the central driving force of a human being. It's just a natural outcome of being full of being human. Being is connected with a great source of energy and that naturally spills over into a great amount of doing. And that's all verifiable by just looking at a kid, a natural child. That's the blueprint, and the blueprint doesn't ever go away. For those of us who are adults, we still have the same blueprint. But most adults have just spent a lifetime figuring out how to hide, push down, box up and hold in the great amount of energy that's connected to being. And then we've filled our lives with activities that are constructed and made up and disconnected from that being force, because when we're involved in activities that air disconnected from being, they're much more manageable and controllable and much less likely to get us into trouble because we will be able to do them as we look around and make sure that nobody is upset by what we're doing, that it fits in with our culture and our society and what our parents want and what our friends want and what the marketplace wants. We don't want to draw negative attention of any kind, criticism or judgment or raised eyebrows. And unfortunately, that's the driving force for many of us, of much of our activity is just to avoid the scrutiny and the disapproval of everyone in our environment. So this process of looking in and really sensing what is they're having the courage, first of all to do that and then the courage to take even a small action that is in alignment with what the being is communicating. That's a brave life that's the basis of brave, courageous living. And the action can be very small. It doesn't have to be big at the beginning, and the more we brave the small action, the more courageous and the more confidence we gain over time to take larger steps and b'more visible to have our being become mawr and more visible through our activity through the stand that we're taking in action in our lives and people can see what we're up to. I have this experience, a lot of worry of and anxiety fear. As my friend John Souza would say, Anxieties just fear, fear and worry. I have this experience very often, and the most common trigger for my fear and worry is when I am considering and thinking about my purpose. And when I light on something that brings me to life and I think, Wow, I love that idea. I get fearful and worried. My my body starts to tie up in knots and it's directly related to these old fears and I don't even know where they come from because I wasn't raised in an environment where there was open shaming and judgment. I got so much encouragement and support as a kid for trying things in pursuing things and yet as well meaning and wonderful as my parents are, they are a part of this culture and they just like me in all of us. We carry these unconscious hidden messages that we're we are conveying to others all the time that are communicating. Hey, okay, you're encouraged, but there's a limit to this don't get too fill in the blank, too angry Anger is not okay for certain particular generations, especially if you were of the female gender. And I know I'm not being up to date and appropriate right now with my reference to gender. But for my generation, the boomer generation boys and girls were the two buckets that you dealt with and you had to pick or choose one of those. And there were particular archetypes or stereotypes on what a good boy in what a good girl was like and a good girl was not on angry girl. Anger was not okay for the good girls of my generation. Just as sadness and weakness was not okay for the good boys buck up stiff upper lip. Don't be kind of remember what the what the term is. It's like, you know, Don't be Oh, don't be a cry baby, right that was That was the phrase Don't be a cry, baby. So culturally, there are always subtle ways that we're getting cut off from being from every aspect of being a full feeling human being. And those directives are unconscious. Most people are well meaning most parents are very well meaning in our, you know, wanting to give the best direction and guidance to our kids. But it's just not possible if we haven't done a tremendous amount of our own work to not pass along the list of limits that we ourselves are living unconsciously. Our kids see it. They watch us like, Ah, hawk, they don't miss a beat Each and every day they watch how we act, how we talk, how we move, how we express ourselves or don't express ourselves what we do with our time. They are paying attention to this and absorbing it like a sponge. They learn the language of our limits through our modeling, and they will grow up internalizing those limits just as I did with my own parents. And it doesn't make our parents bad and wrong. It's not their job. It's the job of whoever decides to take on the responsibility of liberating themselves from unconscious limits and the mawr. I do that the mawr. I help other human beings because then I am modeling what it looks like to have conscious intentional limits that are defined by my ability to reference my own true being and do that inner work and line up my outer life and outer activity with that inner reality. That inner truth and lining up that way is the basis of love. Living in full alignment, internally and externally is the expression of love in the world. That's what I think anyway. Now I'm getting on a really so box, Ah, high horse kind of talking philosophy because that's not I have had some experience of that in my life, but that's a big That's a big goal that I have to live as love by following that formula of lining up in those two ways. Well, I sat down today to talk about something really different than that, and it's funny. As soon as I began speaking, this is where the conversation went, and it is really a conversation. I've only had a handful of actual interviews, but really every one of these episodes is a kind of interview because the conversation that I'm having with myself is coming out of my imagining. You. I'm thinking about you and there's only a handful of you who I know are listening to this because every few days I get feedback from someone who comes out of the woodwork and says, Hey, you know what? I've been listening to your podcasts and they're really helping me and I really enjoy them. Thank you. And so then I have one more person that I know is out there. And then that person is added to the list of those who I'm speaking Thio. But I'm talking to these individuals. Many of them are people that I love, and I've known for a long time their friends or family members. And then there are others may be like you who are listening in private. I don't know that you're listening. I don't know you personally, but I know you're a human being, and I know that human beings function, according to Cem, reliable laws and principles. And so when I talk, when I have this conversation when I have this self interview, I'm always looking inside of myself because I'm a human being to and saying What's true? What's true about me as a human being? What's true about these friends and family members? I have who I've grown toe love and know what's really true of them? What? What can I speak to that will go right to the heart of what's true and useful for these people I know and love. And in the process of having this conversation and referencing that innermost part of these people, I know I get to speak to you who I don't know, in detail as well. But I actually would love to know some of the detail of your actual life. If you're one of those people who are listening in private on your own and haven't reached out in any way, please feel free. You may. You may feel reticent to do that. That's okay. But I truly mean I would love thio here from any person out there from you. If you're getting benefit from this and this is valuable to you. And if there's something you could communicate to me about what would be even mawr helpful and mawr valuable, I invite you to get in touch. You can just send an email to Rick at games for confidence calm and that will reach me directly. And I would love to hear from you, but it's okay if you don't want to. That's okay. Well, this seems good for today, so I will stop here and wish you a wonderful day of inner truth and outer integrity. My name is Rick Lewis. This has been Episode 44 over the follow through Formula Podcast, and I'll be back tomorrow.